How do you Know if He’s the One? (Hint: it’s Not What You Think!)

If you wrote down a list of qualities for your ideal guy, what would it include? For many girls, it might be a mishmash of boyband rockstar or romcom hero with a few bonus features sprinkled on top, such as “must have tattoos” or “must love cats”.

Even when women find the guy who checks every box, however, more often than not, the relationship still doesn’t succeed. We all see the wreckage of romance FAILS around us. The world is littered with hookups and breakups. He seemed perfect at first, and then out of the clear blue went all Hulk on her.

What Are We Doing Wrong?

There is a huge mistake that many girls make when searching for “the one”—and it’s not what you think. One of the primary reasons so many relationships fail is that women are looking for the *wrong* qualities in a guy.

What are those “wrong” qualities? If you do a quick Google search for high-quality boyfriend material, you will find traits like these:

A good listener
Treats you well
Sensitive
Apologizes
There for you no matter what
Believes in you

What’s wrong with this list and others like it?

This list might describe a *nice* guy… but it also describes your closest girlfriend. The one who stays up late doing skincare with you or listening to the latest tea. Without realizing it, many women mistakenly believe that what they really want in a man is no different from what they want in any great friendship.

Why is that a bad idea? Shouldn’t sensitivity, sweetness, and an ability to listen be valued in men as well as women?

Of course.

But here’s the problem with it. This list focuses entirely on how HE treats YOU. When you first get to know a guy – how he treats you is NOT the most important thing.

Say what?

Isn’t his treatment of you the primary indication of whether he’s the one? No, actually, it’s not. How he treats you matters, of course. If he’s a tyrannical jerk, then drop him. Like yesterday. He should treat you well, that goes without saying.

The problem is that most guys – even jerks – actually treat women pretty well in the early stages. His treatment of you alone is not a good indicator of how he will treat you in the future. Before you know each other well, it’s pretty easy to be kind, to listen, to show honor. You’re both wearing rose-colored lenses, and you’ve never even had a real fight. But this simply is not an accurate picture of who he will become once life gets difficult.

It’s much more important to notice how he treats *other people* in his life. Those he doesn’t have a crush on.

How does he treat people when he doesn’t want anything from them?

How does he treat his sister when she’s annoying? How does he treat his mom? Does he treat her with respect, or does he speak to her in a dismissive or condescending tone? How he treats his mother can be a good indication of how he’ll treat other important women in his life, including you.

How does he handle the pressure?

How does he react when he’s insulted? When things don’t go his way? Does he throw big-boy tantrums? Can he get a grip?

How does he treat his work?

Does he have a mission, and is he pursuing it, or does he still live in his mom’s basement playing video games?

How does he treat God?

If you are a Christian, the most important attribute you can look for in a man is his relationship with God. If he is faithful to God, even when he doesn’t feel like it, then he shows a long-term faithfulness that exists in him, despite variable emotions.

Emotions come and go. If you find a guy who passes the above-mentioned tests, that is a guy who will remain constant and faithful years down the road. You want to look for a guy who will do his duty, stay the course, and treat you well years from now, not just on your third date.